I am a woman who feels deep loneliness. I have been looking for true love for so long, only to find painful disappointments. I am thirty-six already; at my age, finding an ordinary man feels as difficult as finding a living dinosaur. They are either already married or carry mental issues that make relationships with them toxic. All my attempts at dating end disastrously. If I finally meet a normal guy and try to get closer, he runs away from me as if I’m sick with the plague.
I just want to feel loved and accepted. I want support and warmth. I want to fall asleep in the evening while hugging someone and wake up in the morning to cook breakfast for more than just myself. I want someone who listens to me, understands me, and whom I would not be ashamed to introduce to my parents. I want a man I can proudly call my husband. I want a baby. I want to be that woman from an advertisement picture, where a happy family is choosing their dream home.
I envy my married friends with their husbands and children. I hate their questions about my personal life and try to avoid these meetings as much as possible. I feel a constant tension inside, like some flaw in me that won’t let me relax and be myself.
To reduce this tension, I eat. Eating helps; it even gives me a good excuse for being alone because no one wants to date a plump woman. I spend hours watching TikTok or YouTube videos just to drown out the inner voice that calls me a loser. I must admit, I’m afraid to pause and spend time alone with myself because I’m immediately horrified by the meaninglessness of my life. My fears hide in silence, so I always have a few good series ready to run away from the emptiness of my evenings.
I am not beautiful and intelligent like the girls in Instagram stories—those twenty-four-year-olds running businesses and spending nights in luxury hotels. I am just a regular accountant. My job doesn’t inspire creativity, new acquaintances, or travel. I don’t have exciting hobbies. I have nothing to make me stand out, and, frankly, I don’t even have the desire to.
“Don’t worry, I’m fine. I’m strong. I’ll find a way to change my life,” I tell my friends who try to help. But deep inside, I know it’s a lie. I’ve already accepted that I’ll grow old as a lonely maid with ten cats. I feel pathetic, undeserving of good things, and I hate my life.
I love my life. I am a woman who chooses solitude to have more time to be with herself. I spent so long in the race to be needed by someone and to bring joy to others that I nearly lost myself. Thirty-six is a perfect age to pause and look at my life from a distance. I no longer need to follow others’ expectations or listen to their useless advice.
I am a self-sufficient, mature woman responsible for her own happiness. I am not single because I can’t find a man, but because I follow the rule: it is better to be alone than with the wrong partner. I see many interesting, free men around me. But before dating the right guy, I need to understand myself—my true values, desires, and the life I want to build. Understanding myself is the first step toward presenting my true self to others.
I look back at my past with sadness and acceptance. I wasted so much time worrying about meaningless things and fearing loneliness. But I am grateful for those lessons. Now is the time to reconsider and grow.
I no longer compare myself to others. My constant tension has gradually been replaced with inner peace. I love my body and my appearance. My food is healthy, and I eat just enough to feel good. I start my mornings with yoga, and my body feels stronger and more alive. The number of people I meet has decreased, but the quality of those relationships has improved immensely. I love my close friends and their children—especially since I can enjoy them without the responsibility of raising them. It’s a little selfish, but I allow myself this luxury.
I deleted TikTok and almost stopped watching YouTube because I have so many meaningful things to do. I feel like a child discovering the vast, fascinating world for the first time. Being an accountant means I excel at managing numbers and seeing patterns. I’ve identified empty spaces in my life, and I’m ready to fill them.
I want to try dancing to connect with my body and express my emotions. I want to travel more and see the northern lights in Iceland. I’ve started learning French, and I dream of living in La Ciotat for a few years. I have so many dreams waiting to be realized. I’m done postponing my life—I want to live it fully.
Life is too short to waste on fear and hesitation. I want to embrace every moment with dignity and gratitude. My life is full of love and acceptance.
I am the same woman you met at the beginning of this story, but at the same time, I am entirely different. Do you know what changed? Only my perception of reality.
